89

Father Brown - Detective (1934 - b/w) - Just as ludcrous an adaptation as the BBC TV show with Mark Williams. 

The Proud Valley (1940 - b/w) - Paul Robeson shines.

Susana (1951 - b/w) - Routine Bunuel melodrama.

Follow the Sun (1951 - b/w) - Glenn Ford plays golf. God, this was a chore. 

Island Monster (1954 - b/w) - Godawful Italian crime movie with Boris Karloff.

The Man Who Knew Too Much (1956) - Possibly the Hitchcock from his golden era I like the most, if only for the weird London stuff. And the sinister organist, and Doris Day standing outside a corner shop with prominent ad placement for Walls' Ice Cream and Polos. And Reggie Nalder. And Bernard Miles and Brenda De Banzie.

SHE GODS OF SHARK REEF (1958) - BORING TROPICAL ROMANCE.

True as a Turtle (1958 - b/w) - Routine Rank comedy with John Gregson. 

Gangster Story (1959 - b/w) - Allied Artists crime cheapie directed by and starring Walter Matthau when he was just a character actor.

ROCCO AND HIS BROTHERS (1960) - ROUTINE ITALIAN DRAMA.

The Day they Robbed the Bank of England (1960 - b/w) - Forgettable IRA period caper with Hugh Griffith as a Welsh-accented Irish revolutionary and posh-voiced Peter O'Toole and Kieron Moore. 

REVENGE OF THE CONQUERED (1961) - ROUTINE SWASHBUCKLER FROM AIP. 

FLIGHT OF THE LOST BALLOON (1961) - AIP PERIOD TEDIUM, SET IN ENGLAND AND AFRICA, SHOT IN PUERTO RICO. AN AMERICAN-ACCENTED CAST PLAYING BRITS SAY THINGS LIKE "ELEMENTARY SCHOOL" AND A KNIGHTED EXPLORER IS OUT OF ACTION BECAUSE OF "A BOUT OF GOUT". 

FIVE MINUTES TO LIVE (1961) - DULLSVILLE POVERTY ROW NEO-NOIR WITH JOHNNY CASH. POSSIBLY THE SHONKIEST THING HE DID. INCLUDING THAT DUET WITH SANDY KELLY. 

Ladies who Do (1962) - Routine British comedy. Though magnificent to think once upon a time, someone like Peggy Mount could be  a film star. Solid cast - Robert Morley, Harry H. Corbett, Miriam Karlin, Ron Moody, Avril Elgar, Dandy Nichols, Jon P'twee, paedo Stark, Arthur Howard, Harry Fowler, Nigel Davenport, John Laurie, Ernest Clark, Cardew Robinson, and paedo Arthur Mullard.

Kitten with a Whip (1964 - b/w) - Juvenile delinquency with Ann-Margrock.

ALI BABA AND THE SEVEN SARACENS (1964) - ROUTINE ITALIAN PEPLUM.

The Thrill-Killers (1964) - Sure I logged this Ray Dennis Steckler folderol before. 

The Gendarme in New York (1965)/Le Gendarme se Marie (1968)/Le Gendarme en balade (1970)/Le gendarme et les gendarmettes (1982) - Routine, colourful Louis De Funes farces. New York has more yellowface/Chinese jokes than NY jokes, despite a West Side Story spoof and a US music show called Hurri Houra Hurricane. 

 Le corniaud (1965) - Rote De Funes/Bourvil vehicle. 

Thunder of God (1965 - b/w) - Baffling French comedy with Jean Gabin. 

Gumnaam (1965) - Bizarre adaptation of Ten Little ____/And Then There Were None. Here, they are literally Indians. Because it's Bollywood. And one of them is a comedy Hitler butler.

Star Pilot (1966) - Rough though attractively put together and characterful Italian space opera with the inevitable Gordon Mitchell.

Please Don't Eat the Daisies (1960) - Doris Day-yawn. 

MONSIEUR GANGSTER (1965 - B/W) - routine Lino Ventura gangsterism.

SEE ALSO STRANGER FROM HONG KONG (1963, WITH DALIDA) AND SAFARI DIAMANTS (1966), AND BELMONDO IN "LES DISTRACTIONS" (1960 - B/W), AND AGENT OF DOOM (1963).

MAGIC SERPENT (1966) - ACE DRAGON ENLIVENS THIS TOEI PERIOD SAGA.

Spring Night, Summer Night (1967) - Amateurish but interesting pseudo-southern gothic Ohio erotica. 

Hell's Chosen Few (1968) - More like 1958. Tedious neo-Nazi bull.  Barely the biker picture it purports to be.

See also H.G. Lewis' She-Devils on Wheels (1968).

Star (1968) - What a mess. Julie Andrews tries to do a big-budget musical for Robert Wise again. Michael Craig the second romantic lead opposite Richard Crenna. Daniel Massey scarily similar in voice as Noel Coward, and a mix of British character faces and Hollywood Raj leftovers, great swathes of whom are uncredited. One scene illustrates this. Coward and Gertrude Lawrence are with the Lord Chamberlain (Lester Matthews) and his assistant (Bernard Fox) where the French Ambassador (Roger Delgado) is visiting. Now, Delgado and Robert Rietty as his assistant are looking through a window on location in England. Through the window, we see Matthews, Fox, Massey and Andrews back in Fox's studios. 

CHASTITY (1968) - AIP HIPPIE DRAMA PRODUCED BY SONNY BONO, POSSIBLY DIRECTED TOO, AND STARRING CHER. 

Girl from Rio (1969) - Awful bollocks from Jess Franco and Harry Alan Towers, allegedly a sequel to the HAT/Shirley Eaton/Lindsay Shonteff Sumuru picture, except Eaton is now playing Sumitra. 

See also Franco's nonsensical Venus in Furs (1968). 

Orgasmo/Paranoia (1969) - Routine, vaguely Clemens/Sangster-y giallo with Carroll Baker. Prominent ad placement for Skol in Piccadilly.  Ludicrous and hard to follow. Has characters going mad listen to some British radio station and die. Lenzi uses freeze frame when the characters are still talking. See also Knife of Ice (1972), which is equally dopey and revolves around a girl's Peanuts fan-fic (with badly-drawn Woodstock/Snoopy hybrid),  and the non-Lenzi but Baker-starring Flower with the Deadly Sting (1973), at the ropier end of the giallo scale.

How Did a Nice Girl Like You Get Into This Business? (1969) - Rough German-American sex comedy with Barbi Benton as a majorette. A weird cast - Klaus Kinski, Blade Runner writer Hampton Fancher, Ed Begley Jr, Lionel Stander don't help. 

LE BOUCHER (1970) - DREARY CHABROL POTBOILER, MARKETED BY AIP AS A HORROR. WERE TREETS A MASSIVE THING IN EUROPE?

Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (1970) - It has energy, it attracts the eye, it still has one foot in Jacqueline Susann-type melodrama, and is the very definition of pornographic muzak. Dolly Read seems too British for the role. Marcia McBroom is extraordinarily pretty. The whole Z-Man thing is weird. I THINK they're supposed to be a trans-man. But the sideburns don't help. 

The Lickerish Quartet (1970) - Radley Metzger sex odyssey. Begins as a German fairground. Sleazy nonsense, but it looks good. Star Frank Wolff died before this was released.

Jo (1971) - Louis De Funes can be a bit hard-wearing after a while. Based on the Gazebo. See also La Vendetta (1962), Un Drôle de caïd  (1964) and the Sheep has Five Legs (1954 - actually a Fernandel vehicle with De Funes on the side).

Four Flies on Grey Velvet (1971) -Argento and Michael Brandon (pre-Dempsey and Makepeace when he was  an actual Hollywood actor and not him who appears in British shows when they need an American) do a confused mess of a giallo. Not one of Dario's best. 

Necrophagus (1971) - Made in Spain, but desperately trying to be British, which amounts to having a headscarved old biddy on a train reading IPC's Ideal Home magazine (the only sign this isn't a period piece - the costumes and sets all suggest otherwise). Usual Spanish horror rubbish.Alias the Butcher of Binbrook.

NO DRUMS, NO BUGLES (1972) - MARTIN SHEEN HIPPIE SHIT. 

 The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie (1972)/That Obscure Object of Desire (1977) - Bunuel artiness.

Vanessa (1972) - Rough Mexican erotic thriller from the Cardonas,set in Galapagos. 

See also Los Valle de los miserables (1974) - Victor Hugo via Papillon.

NO DRUMS, NO BUGLES (1972) - MARTIN SHEEN HIPPIE SHIT.

Country Blue (1973) - Half-assed country grot with David Huddleston and Dub Taylor.

A Taste of Hell (1973) - Filipino war hokum with William Smith.

Don Juan (or If Don Juan Was A Woman) (1973) - Vadim smut. 

The Black Godfather (1974) - Miserable blaxploitation.

Ilsa - She Wolf of the SS (1974) - Horrible, horrible film. Only watched this story of Nazi perversion because I also watched the sequels. Ilsa The Wicked Warden (1976) keeps Dyanne Thorne, but it's a Jess Franco cash-in. However, Ilsa - Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks (1976) is entertaining, with a surprisingly well-realised Arab setting, though some of the most unconvincing portrayals of MENA people, especially the boy prince at the end. And some of it is offputtingly queasily sleazy, but there's a Henry Kissinger parody who seems more Arabic than the supposed Arabs. Ilsa The Tigress of Siberia (1977) is disappointingly mostly set in a Montreal aquarium. 

Cold Blood (1975) - Ropey German actioner with Rutger Hauer and Horst Frank.

THE DAY THAT SHOOK THE WORLD (1975) AIP AND YUGOSLAVIA TRY TO DO PRESTIGE. TURGID PRE-WW1 EPIC WITH CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER, FLORINDA BOLKAN AND MAXIMILLIAN SCHELL.IT FEELS VERY MUCH LIKE A SOVIET PRODUCTION. 

A Nous Les Petites Anglaises (1976) - Pseudo-Lemon Popsicle-ish French sex comedy set and shot in exotic Thanet, featuring Amazin' Raisin Bars and Picnic bars in the 50s (yes, really) and Rynagh O'Grady as a sexy Irish girl. Yes, Mary O'Leary from Father Ted. The theme, Sorrow by Viva Las Vefas writer Mort Shuman 

The River Niger (1976) - TVM-ish black drama with Cicely Tyson and James Earl Jones.

Bloodsucking Freaks (1976) - Certainly an experience in gross-out carnyism. But too sleazy for my taste.

DRAGONFLY (1976) - BEAU BRIDGES AIP DRAMA. HE PLAYS ASIMPLETON WHO WATHES HENNESSY AND DILLINGER IN A DOUBLE BILL, SO WE GET TO SEE A TINY GLIMPSE OF THE NAME PETER EGAN. SUSAN SARANDON FALLS IN LOVE WITH HIM. IT ALL GOES A BIT SOUTHERN GOTHIC. SEE ALSO THE AIP WOODLESS ALLEN-COM SOMETHING SHORT OF PARADISE. (1979)   ALSO, OUR WINNING SEASON (1978) - A MORE DREARY HIGH SCHOOL OLYMPIC DRAMA SHOWS HOW LIMITED AIP WERE IN THIS KIND OF THING. 

American Raspberry (1977) - Half-assed sketch show with Warren Oates.

The Adventures of Kosuke Kindaichi (1979) - Baffling Japanese film from the director of House.



Shalimar (1979) - Bollywood coproduction with Rex Harrison, John Saxon and Sylvia Miles (dubbed with a sweet high girly voice)  alongside the likes of Prem Nath, Dharmendra and Shammi Kapoor, with Asha Bhosle and RD Burman doing one of the great Bollywood soundtracks. The actual film is a slog. Neither fish nor foul. A dreary James Hadley Chase adap. Has a terrible-looking newspaper headline or two with doctored copies of the Sunday Mirror. It's not too far off Gumnaam, but not as fun. Harrison's a jewel thief. Everyone's on an island.

Shark Boy of Bora Bora (1981) - Alias Beyond the Reef, a bafling pseudo-Blue Lagoon vehicle for Polynesian Dayton Ka'ne, a discovery of Dino DeLaurentiis, from his remake of Hurricane. A strange film, half-family adventure, half-sleazy exploitation, with lead Maren Jensen constantly being nearly-raped or nearly-eaten. It seems that Ka'ne was being prepped to be the Sabu of the 80s.   It's terribly dubbed for some reason, "dialogue supervision by Robert Rietty".  Turned up once on BBC2, and I was baffled. It feels very Italian. The Jean Musy score and scenes with Jensen suggest erotica, and there's a lot of near-nudity, but somehow it got a morning slot.

The Demon (1981) - Crummy South African supernatural slasher with Cameron Mitchell and a zombified killer stalking a strangely unspecified setting. 

Of Unknown Origin (1983) - Bland fauxmerican Canadian rat film. From George P. Cosmatos.

Yellowbeard (1983) - Such a clusterfuck. John Cleese gets a "with", Beryl Reid gets an "and". Ronald Lacey and Bernard Fox don't even get front billing, unlike Nigel Planer. Features a Mexican child actress trying to sound English, because that's the price you pay for shooting in Mexico. Hordern gets his name in the starring bill, but Susannah York and Spike Milligan and Kenneth Mars get "also starring". Mostly rape jokes. Kenneth Mars' English accent is good to the point I thought he was Jack Watson. The Portsmouth sets look quite decent. 

Bad Girls Dormitory (1986) - Awful women in prison shite. Only bought it because I found it lying on the street in a bag left by a bin. 

Hands of Steel (1986) - RIP John Saxon. Typical Iralian post-apocalyptic twaddle.

Empire State (1987) - Martin Landau and Ray McAnally appear in this Euston-ish clubland drear. Landau seems comfortable being in a channel 4 thing. Maybe Space 1999 robbed the novelty of him doing UK TV. 

Blue Vengeance (1989) - J Christian Ingvordsen, a prolific but even amongst fans of low-budget New York genre cinema, relatively unloved filmmaker made this bizarre Manhattan serial killer/motorcycle joust/sword and sorcery/Satanic heavy metal/Marvel comics fan-gone-apeshit vigilante fantasy epic. Undoubtedly his best work, it's patchy but it has ambition. And it looks more expensive than it probably was.

Ring of Fire (1991) - Routine Don "The Dragon" Wilson vehicle. 

In the Mouth of Madness (1994) - It has memorable imagery and a decent cast (Neill! Warner! Heston! Prochnow!) but it feels like Carpenter is trying to go Kneale, Lovecraft and indeed metal all at once. It feels blandly glossy. That's what happened to Carpenter. The 90s killed his style. 

Strictly Sinatra (2002) - Tonally all over the place. Starring Ian Hart looking about 12 as a Scots-Italian crooner (I remember this being advertised in papers but misremembered Hart as being Michael Sheen), Kelly MacDonald (her real accent sounds disconcerting now that it is so clearly the voice of Disney's Princess Merida), Brian Cox (a replacement for Ian Bannen, who died during shooting), Alun Armstrong, Tommy Flanagan and Iain Cuthbertson (great to see him in a largish role, even though he is shockingly gaunt, but this was some years after the stroke), plus Una McLean and Jimmy Yuill who are unlike the others, not on the poster. Directed by Peter Capaldi. Is it a comedy? Is it a drama? Ask the Doctor