STORY
Begins in the seaside town of Rumchester, a grotty
little town somewhere in Northern England. We see a seaside scene, it's
getting dark and windy and a family, a grandfather in a knotted
handkerchief and rimmed spectacles and his twenty-odd daughter, her
thirty-something cravatted husband and their five year old son,
Freddie. Freddie bathes in the sand with a sandcastle around him, a
bucket on his head. Suddenly, a wave swathes over him and he rises out,
screaming - covered in scars. A ghostly vision appears over the town
and declares that "Bertie Breslin rises again".
You are Phipps, a ghost hunter based in a room above
a pub, and you have to find the whereabouts of Bertie Breslin, who as
the landlord, Huw Egg informs you, was a legendary music hall
entertainer who was forced out of the town by landlords, and to become
popular again, tried to add magic to his resume, made a pact with a
warlock only to literally turn to stone on stage, as the myth goes, now
his ghost - without a soul declares revenge on the town. You have to
use a signaller device to find signs of his ghost to stop more events
and have to lead his ghost into the music hall where he died, and along
the way you need to find a person for Bertie to possess. In the end,
once the possessed is in the music hall, you have to trick him into
falling off the stage, so he can die a natural death. Once he is
defeated, the possessed is freed.
EXT. BEACH, RUMCHESTER, NORTHERN ENGLAND - DAY, C.1979.
We see a beach, of a seaside town, a promenade, with
a big grand redbrick hotel, and a theatre, "The Palace Theatre" and ice
cream parlours (with names like Jaconelli's, Fulci's, De Leo's),
amusement arcades etc.
THE CAMERA PANS DOWN TO:
The beach, where we see a young MUM, long-haired,
blonde, hippyish, in a flowery maxi-dress, cradling her little blond
son FREDDIE. In the background is a GRANDAD in a flat cap, knotted
handkerchief, little grey tache, string vest and wire-framed
spectacles.
Freddie lies down in the sand, and jumps a bucket on
his head. A wave of water splashes over him, and he rises up, screaming
covered in red scars.
CLOSE-UP ON:
Mum screaming, hands on face.
MUM
(panicking)
Freddie!
Freddie is wailing, arms flailing.
FREDDIE
(screaming)
Mummy!
A huge image of a ghostly music hall entertainer,
BERTIE BRESLIN appears above in the sky, which goes from blue to grey,
emblazoned with lightning. He is a fat man in a pinstripe suit and
straw hat, and cane, with a big fat face and shining metal teeth.
BERTIE BRESLIN
(deep Northern English voice, chuckle)
It's showtime for Rumchester!
Thunder strikes down and obliterates Bertie Breslin's ghost. An echoing laugh echoes as he is obliterated.
FADE TO BLACK.
EXT. TRAIN STATION, RUMCHESTER MAIN STREET, NORTHERN ENGLAND - EARLY EVENING. C.1979.
We see the exterior of a rubbish-looking train
station, with a shuttered-up shop. Punk graffiti covers the walls. It
is beside a bookie's and a hairdresser's called "Cut!". It is a
cul-de-sac looking out to a rail-yard. Out of the station walks Phipps,
an attractive young woman in her early twenties, in a black and pink
dress and leather jacket. From now on, the player controls her.
PHIPPS
(enthusiastic)
I have to find this pub, "the Golden Rendezvous".
Arrows direct you, the player around the town, where
we see a launderette, a corner shop, a greasy spoon café, all shut. As
you reach the end of the road, A bald man in a trench-coat, fifties,
horn-rimmed glasses, not unlike John Reginald Christie appears. This is
HUW EGG.
HUW EGG
(Welsh, bluff, gruff)
You Phipps?
PHIPPS
(nods)
Yes.
HUW EGG
(quizzical)
The ghost hunter?
PHIPPS
(relieved)
Yes. I've come about the Bertie Breslin incident.
HUW EGG
(sinister but genial)
First thing to know is locals don't like to talk about that. Luckily, I am not from around here.
PHIPPS
(catches on)
You're the landlord, right...
HUW EGG
(smiling)
Yes, Huw Egg, of the Golden Rendezvous.
PHIPPS
Ah yes, I have a reservation in the rooms above.
HUW EGG
(sinister)
Good, but you have to know. Bertie Breslin was once
this town's biggest export - comedian, singer, all-round entertainer.
But the Palace theatre management didn't like him, and conspired
against him. His popularity waned, so he made a deal with a warlock, in
order to learn real magic, only to turn to stone on his next
performance. The management took to the calcified Bertie with a
pick-axe and splattered his remains into the road you stand on now.
PHIPPS
(unsure)
And now...
HUW EGG
(sinister, doomsayer)
His spirit will cause terror for this town, unless you can help. Luckily, I have some goods.
Huw Egg hands you a bag. You empty it out, a
crossbow, a hose, a magnifying glass, a net and an ice-box, which
immediately goes into your inventory.
PHIPPS
(grateful)
Thank you, but...
HUW EGG
(knowledgeable)
Go on. Once you see something weird, try to use the
crossbow to lock on a target that you can trick Breslin into
possessing, then lead the possessed into the Palace Theatre, where you
can defeat him.
PHIPPS
(unsure)
Okay.
HUW EGG
(worrying)
But be careful. Everyone is staying in. There may only be one or two people out.
You walk along, passing various shops. The street
divulges in two ways, one leading to a shut-up school, "St. Clabbert's
RC", itself a cul-de-sac, the other down to the seaside. We see an open
takeaway that you enter.
INT. TAKEAWAY, - NIGHT. C.1979.
Inside the takeaway is JUDEE, a bored looking
peroxide blonde with a ring in her nose in a silly blue
Thunderbirds-type fast food worker uniform.
JUDEE
(bored, Brummie)
Do you want chips with that?
Suddenly, Judee's skin turns grey and her eyes a glowing red.
JUDEE
(deep, electronic Northern accent)
My wife likes onions. I like cheese. We're like a packet of crisps.
Judee is now possessed by Bertie Breslin.
You must take out the crossbow, the hose and smoke
machine wrapped around it. There, we see a POV shot, you have to aim at
Judee and press down from where a streak of lightning emanates. It hits
Judee, who is freed from Bertie.
However, Bertie's ghost shoots out and escapes down the street.
EXT. STREET, RUMCHESTER - NIGHT, C.1979.
You must immediately immediately run down the street,
down past more closed shops. There, you see a nerdy duffel-coated
cyclist, DARREN PETHIG. You must catch the ghost of Bertie by freezing
it, and then as Darren cycles past the theatre, a big grand Romanesque
building facing the promenade, fire the frozen ghost at Darren. If you
miss, Darren will cycle past again. Once you manage to get Darren
possessed, he will turn sort of green-skinned with a shock of white
hair, run into the theatre, it doors swinging open.
INT. PALACE THEATRE, RUMCHESTER - NIGHT, C.1979.
Inside the grand Victorian theatre, various porches
and arches surround the grand stage. It is closed.
An elderly,
white-haired ARTHUR ENGLISH-type CARETAKER in brown overalls brushes
around, whistling. You must chase Darren down to the stage, to the
edge, where there is a white line. On the white line, as he walks on,
you must aim the crossbow and fire smoke.
Suddenly, Darren turns normal again, runs out of the
theatre in fear while the giant Bertie Breslin manifests himself and
laughs.
BERTIE BRESLIN
(Northern English, mock-genial)
And you thought I were dead!
As you try to freeze Bertie once more, this time for good, he will cry more phrases and weak jokes.
BERTIE BRESLIN
(jokey)
My mother in law says that if I die first, she'll dance on my grave. I'm getting buried at sea.
BERTIE BRESLIN
(jokey, doesn't realise his jokes are sometimes brutal)
What do you call a cross between an English theatrical lord and an explorer. Lawrence of Olivier!
When you manage to finally give him a big enough freeze, he will fall off the stage and break into a million pieces - screaming.
Huw Egg will run in with the Roy Kinnear-esque LORD MAYOR in full Lord Mayor's regalia and give you a medal.
HUW EGG
(relieved)
Thank Christ you saved Rumchester!
CLOSE-UP ON:
Phipps smiles.
THE END.
The idea may have originated in an earlier short script I wrote.
The idea may have originated in an earlier short script I wrote.
EXT. ISOLATED COUNTRY ROAD, IRISH COUNTRYSIDE -EARLY MORNING.
We see a FUNERAL PROCESSION heading deep along an
ISOLATED COUNTRY ROAD. MEN IN FLAT CAPS AND PRIMITIVE TWEED CLOTHING
and WOMEN IN FLORAL DRESSES AND HEADSCARVES, wheeling a HORSE-DRAWN
CART on which lies a crudely-put together WOODEN COFFIN. THE PROCESSION
is captained by A PRIEST, FATHER DYER, pale, tall, in thick milk-bottle
glass spectacles, with a huge tower of grey hair, a BANDOLIER OF
SHARPENED PENCILS AND VIRGIN MARY-SHAPED HOLY WATER BOTTLES clung
tightly around his CASSOCK. CHILDREN, BOYS in COMMUNION SUITS and GIRLS
in WHITE DRESSES holding FLORAL BOUQUETS join THE PROCESSION on the
FRONT.
THE PROCESSION reaches a HOLE in THE CRUX OF A
CROSSROADS. THEY DROP THE COFFIN FROM THE CART into THE HOLE. THE
COFFIN LID slides off. INSIDE is BIG JOE BARLOW, a skeletal ruin of a
man, patches of torn skin hanging off his skeleton, a brown wig
clinging onto the top.
FATHER DYER
(shrill, arch)
May with eternal rest shall Big Joe Barlow be punished for his innumerable sins!
FATHER DYER rips the various BOTTLES OF HOLY WATER from his BANDOLIER and empties all of them onto the corpse of BIG JOE BARLOW.
LAP-DISSOLVE - BIG JOE BARLOW's CORPSE sizzles with
the HOLY WATER into piles of smoking ash, hissing maggots writhing out
of the mounds.
THE ASH AND MAGGOTS drop into THE HOLE, and THE COFFIN is then dropped over them.
CUT - FATHER DYER looks determined.
FATHER DYER
(cold)
May the scum of the vampires be erased from the Earth!
FATHER DYER hisses and reveals he has FANGS.
EXT. SANTA MIRA HOTEL, SEASIDE TOWN, IRELAND, MORNING.
We see THE SANTA MIRA HOTEL, a crumbling little
seaside BED AND BREAKFAST on the edge of a CORNER, in white
plaster-cladding that is starting to fall off. It looks as if it was
once a busy place, clearly has seen better days. However, it is now
forgotten, and derelict, dilapidated, crumbling and clearly not in
season. The tiny DRIVEWAY built in front of it is occupied by a
battered old tangerine-coloured HATCHBACK, perhaps a FIAT PANDA or
VOLKSWAGEN GOLF GTI. The weather is damp, WALLS OF FOG in the
BACKGROUND.
INT. LOBBY, SANTA MIRA HOTEL - MORNING.
THE LOBBY is small, cramped and mostly beige. The
dried paint is beginning to crumble and peel away, the brickwork being
revealed underneath. Unrelated foreign holiday posters cover the walls,
dated 1970s advertisements for THE SWISS ALPS, BENIDORM, AMSTERDAM.
Bits of awful piped muzak, for example, "Un Homme et Une Femme", some
GEOFF LOVE/JAMES LAST COMPILATIONS play overheard. ALICE, a young
nervous girl, fun-loving, who can handle problems with handle and care,
pretty, nineteen, dressed in jeans and check shirt is waiting. A
MIDDLE-AGED COUPLE - MR. AND MRS. DAWLISH, dressed in tweeds and
raincoats appear.
ALICE
(friendly, approachable)
Oh, MR. AND MRS. DAWLISH? You're leaving?
MR. DAWLISH
(English)
Yes, we've decided to go on a hike up to the Head.
MRS. DAWLISH
We'll be camping.
ALICE
Oh, I hope you enjoyed your visit.
MRS. DAWLISH
Yes, we loved it.
MR. DAWLISH
We'll be back.
ALICE
You always are. As we say here, the season only ends when MR. AND MRS. DAWLISH leave.
MRS. DAWLISH
That's sweet.
MR. DAWLISH
Let's go, dear.
MR. AND MRS. DAWLISH leave. ALICE looks through some
big LEATHER-BOUND BOOKS. Suddenly, BOBBY VELCRO comes in, a
fantastically camp figure. He is dressed in a strange kind of adult
communion suit, with indigo flares and jacket and a purple roll-neck
jumper with rosette.
BOBBY VELCRO
(camp, Yorkshire accent)
Oh Calcutta, ALICE!
ALICE
(suspicious)
What's happened next?
BOBBY VELCRO
Your Uncle Andre's cousins are coming over.
ALICE
I thought all my father's cousins were dead.
BOBBY VELCRO
So did I. Ingrid never talked about them. Does the name Shackleton mean anything?
ALICE
That was my paternal grandmother's maiden name. Her nieces and nephews?
BOBBY VELCRO
I think so. His name is CURT. German, I believe.
ALICE
German cousins? Are you sure they're not trying to get a free room?
BOBBY VELCRO
Actually, I think I made a mistake. It is a wedding
party. CURT is the father in law. The cousin in question is the father
in law. He's from that London.
ALICE
Oh, do you mean Forrest? Yes, he came over for Uncle Andre's funeral when I was small. Owned a joke shop.
BOBBY VELCRO
That's the bugger. Yes, I know him. Annoying little twerp.
ALICE
So, what's the party?
BOBBY VELCRO
Well, it's small. CURT's wife, one Denise Mortlock...
ALICE
(raises an eyebrow)
Mortlock! That's an unusual name.
BOBBY VELCRO
They're minor aristocrats, whatever the Kraut equivalent of a baronet is.
ALICE
And...
BOBBY VELCRO
Well, she was murdered, apparently, found beheaded in Dusseldorf.
ALICE
Oh, that's a pity.
BOBBY VELCRO
Don't feel remorse. She was a prison warder in Spandau. They only have a daughter in her teens.
ALICE
Is she the bride?
BOBBY VELCRO
She's one of them.
ALICE
(surprised)
They're lesbians...
BOBBY VELCRO
Yes, and for some reason, Forrest is not bothered about it at all. Or CURT.
ALICE
Does CURT have a job?
BOBBY VELCRO
He restores mirrors.
ALICE
Right. Did they make any arrangements?
BOBBY VELCRO
Yes, I had to invite them.
ALICE
But they called up.
BOBBY VELCRO
They wanted me to send invites, to give some Germanic
stamp of approval. In return, they sent two bags of soil back, and
ordered me to sprinkle them on the lawn. Some German custom,
apparently. I've never heard of that, though, and I lived there!
ALICE
When you were in your disco band?
BOBBY VELCRO
Yes, very fishy.
ALICE
I thought they were called "Pomegranate".
BOBBY VELCRO
(agitated)
Yes, I'm talking about the soil sprinkling and the invitations!
ALICE
How is Aunt Ingrid?
BOBBY VELCRO
Dead. Well, almost. As my good friend Nicky Mitch
once said, he was married to his wife fifteen years, and then the
marriage died, and what he divorced was a corpse waiting for God...
ALICE rolls her eyes. We hear a CAR pull up outside.
ALICE
(looking through the window)
There's someone outside.
Suddenly, FORREST SHACKLETON shuffles in, in flat cap
and camel hair coat, gold chain around his neck. There is something
sleazily working class about him. His wife EDNA is plain as day, short
black hair, big glasses and wearing dumpy trousers - a kind of ROSE
WEST figure.
FORREST SHACKLETON
(refined Cockney)
Is this the Santa Mira?
EDNA SHACKLETON
(throaty, Yorkshire accent)
Yes, it is. Didn't you see the sign?
FORREST SHACKLETON
Shut up, Edna! You've been eating Chicken Kiev!
EDNA SHACKLETON
No, I haven't, Forrest!
ALICE
Excuse me! You must be the Shackletons!
FORREST SHACKLETON
Indeed, I'm Forrest, this is my wife Edna, my daughter Bernadette is in the party with the others.
ALICE
Oh, I see. I am sorry to say Aunt Ingrid is ill.
FORREST SHACKLETON
The cow!
EDNA SHACKLETON
Don't be rude!
FORREST SHACKLETON
I'm not!
ALICE
Which room are you in?
BOBBY VELCRO
(calling)
The Golden Rendezvous.
EDNA SHACKLETON
(surprised)
The what?
BOBBY VELCRO
The Golden Rendezvous. Your cousin Andre named each suite or room after an Alistair MacLean novel. One of his little quirks.
FORREST SHACKLETON
Weren't you in telly?
BOBBY VELCRO
(smiling, pleased)
Yes, New Faces.
FORREST SHACKLETON
Weren't you in a band?
BOBBY VELCRO
Yes, we were called Pomegranate. Our big hit was "Jim
Jones (No Heart, Just Stones)", a touching tribute to the Jonestown
massacre.
EDNA SHACKLETON
(ignorant, admiring her face in a pocket mirror)
Right!
CUT - We see Edna's face reflected in the mirror, Forrest elbowing in.
ALICE
May I take you to the bedroom?
EDNA SHACKLETON
Yes, please!
ALICE
Now we have an all-inclusive breakfast and supper!
FORREST SHACKLETON
I thought this was a bed and breakfast!
BOBBY VELCRO
(catty, snobbish)
We prefer the term "guest house".
ALICE
Where's Rollo?
EDNA SHACKLETON
Rollo?
BOBBY VELCRO
(almost but not quite sarcastic)
Our bellboy, he's on leave.
FADE-OUT.
INT. DINING ROOM, SANTA MIRA HOTEL, SEASIDE TOWN, IRELAND - NIGHT.
We see ALICE and Bobby Velcro, in a floridly orange
wallpapered, cheesy very 1970s DINING ROOM, a SODA STREAM in the
corner, in front of THE WINDOW, VIRGIN MARY-SHAPED BOTTLES OF HOLY
WATER, A HOLY WATER FONT beside the DINING HATCH. We see a GLASS
CABINET full of unused "GOOD CROCKERY" and "GOOD" CHINA CUPS, PLATES,
GLASSES AND DECANTERS that are never used. We also see paintings of
JOHN F KENNEDY, POPE JOHN PAUL II and JESUS CHRIST with
THE SACRED HEART aglow in his chest hung on the wall, PLASTIC SPANISH
SOUVENIR BULL ORNAMENTS on THE MANTEL-PIECE (lined with TWO CHINA
DOGS).
ALICE
How is it?
BOBBY VELCRO
Good, fine, perfect for the others.
Suddenly, the WINDOWS OPEN - "SALEM'S LOT" style, and
MURIEL and BERNIE, two teenage girl VAMPIRES in white nighties, typical
HAMMER-type VAMPIRE GIRLS crawl out.
BOBBY VELCRO
Look, it's the girls, they must be here for a fancy dress party!
Edna and Forrest Shackleton walk in.
FORREST SHACKLETON
Wot, them? No, they always dress like that.
Forrest and Edna show their fangs. BOBBY VELCRO flashes a glass decanter at them.
BOBBY VELCRO
(shocked)
But you have reflections!
FORREST SHACKLETON
We're human-born, therefore we have reflections. We
can walk in the sun. We don't need to be invited into houses. That's
why there were only two bags of soil.
BOBBY VELCRO
What did you do to Rollo?
EDNA SHACKLETON
(laughing, camp)
We drank him!
BOBBY VELCRO
Why are you here?
FORREST SHACKLETON
(laughing)
For Ingrid!
ALICE
(defensive)
Ingrid's lost most of her blood.
FORREST SHACKLETON
(smiling, sinister)
It's not her blood, silly. It's her parasite!
BOBBY VELCRO
What parasite?
FORREST SHACKLETON
Ask CURT. He knows. He and his kid are the ones who
need it. They say it will give them reflections and the power to walk
in daylight, allow them to blend into society without bleeding when
they go to places uninvited!
Bernie and Muriel jump out and prepare to bite ALICE, who shoves a mirror in front of them.
We see in the mirror - Bernie is there, but not Muriel.
ALICE grabs a pencil and stabs it in Bernie's back.
Bernie collapses. Muriel sweeps in towards ALICE's neck in revenge, but
ALICE pushes her away, and Muriel falls onto Bernie's neck,
accidentally biting her. The two girls turn white and then lose all
distinctive features, as they melt into each other. They sink out of
their dresses, the gloop bubbling outward onto the carpet.
Bobby Velcro drops THE HOLY WATER FONT and the BOTTLES OF HOLY WATER on Forrest and Edna Shackleton.
Edna Shackleton screams in horror, the holy water
steaming on her body. Her jaw drops and she bends down. Her body
contorts as it melts into a giant dough ball, made out of skin and
liquidized bone. Her clothes are wrapped around the blob.
Forrest melts into his wife, enrobed in a yellow
glow. He sizzles, like bacon in the pan, steam burning through his
face. He collapses, his body falling into ash.
BOBBY VELCRO
(worried)
Oh no, we'll be considered murderers!
ALICE
(helpful)
Not unless we call the Vatican! They know this thing!
BOBBY VELCRO
(relieved)
You're right!
Suddenly, CURT appears, a NOSFERATU-type, bald,
sinister, tall, large ears, dressed in a black cloak, the skinned
bat-meets-scarab-like PARASITE clinging to his neck.
CURT
(Germanic, cloaked in shadow)
I've been expecting you! What a lovely (brief pause) treat!
ALICE rips the PARASITE from CURT's neck and stamps
her foot on it. She then rams a pencil through CURT's neck. Bobby
Velcro stuffs some garlic in the wound and douses holy water on the
garlic. ALICE and Bobby Velcro run to the edge of the room, and lie
down, expecting carnage.
CURT melts. His face runs like snot, his waxen visage
dripping on the floor, what little he had of his hair sliding downward.
The rest of his head, all red and bloody, devoid of skin, plops onto
the floor. The skeletal remnants sticking out of his neck break like
fragile glass, as his arms melt into his headless torso. His legs drip
downward. Within seconds, he is now a gloopy mess. His skeleton is now
white liquid, oozing, leaking all over. The blobby melted remains of
the six vampires crawl and slide into one big multicolored pile of
gloop. ALICE slams the last of THE HOLY WATER on the pile of gloop,
which simmers. Smoke rises upward.
BOBBY VELCRO
(getting up alongside ALICE)
Well, we need to call the cleaners, not just the Vatican!
ALICE grabs the telephone.
ALICE
Is that the Vatican? Yes, there were vampires. Mortlock? Yes. Dead? He's melted. And the others, too. And the parasite. Thanks.
ALICE slams the phone down.
BOBBY VELCRO
Who was it?
ALICE
(matter of fact)
Cardinal Van Helsing. Said to blame a Father Dyer for it.
ROLL CREDITS.
