Friday 18 May 2018

Stuff I came up with as a child.

Found a load of old stuff I wrote as a child.  Student astronauts sent on a deadly mission to catch a giant rampaging Rupert Bear on a space station. Involves lightspeed engine fuel, and the silly McDay and Alexander the Disco Glitter Sock saving Ecologist Edwina Fawshimer from the station breaking apart.

Prof. Douglas and starship JSOCX1 have to journey into Rupert with ropes, pulling themselves into him to stop A MAGNETISED COMET creatures from the planet Nutty, chicken monster in carbonite shells that shout, "You're a darn nutcase!" 

The morbid, dark-suited yet fat Alice thought she was dead, and proud of it. "I'm dead" Long live myself.

McDay says, "How are you my sock? We are going to swing down!"

Ends with a mention of the underground tombs of the planet Selinop, where they worship Boney M...

Another - The Scottish cleaner at the tourist office saw a wonderful picture of a penguin and decided to put on a silly high-pitched voice to imitate a penguin. A gigglesome child was curious, and asked Bernie, "Is it cold in the Arctic?" "It is to you, but not to me!"

"I'm haunted!" an afraid woman cries. "You've been shamed!" cries the man."You've been shamed!" cries the man.

Another - Miss Marple in London warned by the St. Mary Mead prophet newspaper that voodoo blood clouds cause zombies. 

Characters speak like. "I'm 20. My dad is 59." 

Greg Preston (yes, name from Survivors) is a rehumanised zombie, who drives a tractor. Normal human blood kills zombies. Zombies stomp pumpkins and withstand stinging nettles, ride rollercoasters, and visit sci-fi TV exhibitions in Blackpool.  Marple defeats the zombies by removing the brain of the radioactive pulsating, Blackpool Tower-dwelling Head Zombie. The zombies die. She goes back to Mary Mead. 

Sandra Montserrat, daughter of the cricketer leaves.

Another page long glorified synopsis - The Queen Elizabeth II Mysteries, her Maj being a consulting 'tec at Scotland Yard, saving Prince Harry from a shark in his pool.

Philip calls her Betty. "I only felt that he was a nice meal." the shark says. 

"He's third in line." adds HM. 

"Anne'd be a nice queen. Pity she's not in line." the shark adds. 

"Have you digested Harry?" asks Philip.

"I have his spotty freckles, his persona, and his hair. I'm Harry the shark.

Prince Charles and his crusty face is disappointed as he can't find a golden limited edition television plug. The shark then eats Charles and Camilla.

The Queen asks why. The end. 

Also found a story - barely started, the Man in the Mirror - an attempt at Tales of the Unexpected. An old gold frame, and a shining mirror that reflected the world around it. It was glistening. It was very old. A face carved into the top of the  gold, like a mask, owned by a cowboy-mad pub landlord called Hank, who runs a "Cowboy Saloon". He died in a state of grit and grim and grot, in a local cinema, watching a Clint Eastwood film, murdered by the tall, slim man behind the projector. The man would inherit the mirror, and then have pressure on him to sell it, except he doesn't, so he gets a sculptor to make the mirror. 

"Uh oh, a squalid shopping quarter in Yorkshire is where we are." said the stranded Canadian astronaut. 

His girlfriend saw a cow. "I'm allergic to pork."

"I don't know. Just put on my helmet to be safe."

The cow headbutted both astronauts and broke down the doors of the barn, as the ship, which had crashed through the roof, blew up.

Another routine.

"Today, we shall interview Jesus Christ." said the smiling vicar cum TV presenter. A glowing man, in an armchair, with long, unwashed hair spoke with an amount of power. 
"I did create the Earth, but Earth's people evolved from apes."

"No, they didn't. You're not Jesus Christ."

"I am Jesus Christ. From Sheffield." 

Only Fools and Horses even got the treatment with the episode idea Hookie Street Nightmare - where Del Trotter's death is prophesised by a vicar. Raquel tells Del, "I heards a vicar predicted your death." "Me dead, no, for I am indestructible. Rodney, so is..."   Del uses the interweb and finds a secret society of monks with a branch in Peckham, using a computer to predict the future, and Del joins them to make his future secure. Rodney doesn't want to join the Freemasons, but Del tells him they're "astrologists with computers. You know computers. We should join."  Boycie arrives and jokes that Marlene's in a secret society - the Peckham Housewives Guild, and wants them not to be in this superstitious nonsense. They're based at the Nag's Head, as Mike the Landlord thinks they're bachelors. And they use a giant calculator, programmed with knowledge from both present and past to give out knowledge. The Societ turn up with rifles, trying to ensure that Del dies, but turns out they've got the date wrong by two years. A rival pub, the Nun's Habit turn out to be behind it. 

Some fantasy cobblers about the Erdin and the unfortunately-named  Fani, in a land called Mezin, ruled over by BaNoor/Servant King Bernard. Built over six days in the year 10.02 1/2, when the seas rose. A princess called Mondserl, a dragon's flames spreading through the town. Elf-knight Crestor against the Wizard Army of the Universe, from Wizard Land. Clawberd and Lord Deathstorm and a banker named Pentil fight over seven scrolls predicting peace and love. Then a gate of dimensions leads to a white-mackintoshed  soap opera-living scientist from the USA, Johnny Chicago, He gives our hero Dynamite stones/grenades and arrows on a bell bow, There's lots of gore, and a search for the Mythical Science that will enable the world's greatest wizard. They think the Earth is flat, and the gates built to stop mythical creatures leaking in. 

A few cobblers about ungrateful men using coconuts to rebuild a shipwrecked boat. An old man named Albert who steals beer and hides it in a shed to share with his mate Ivor, away from his sister Vi.  And Clarence and Margery, an old couple holiday in Holland in 1916, and help form the Wounded Soldiers' Band. 

Mrs. Ticking, a woman stealing from a casket smoked her final cigarette. "I've lit the fuse." Inside the casket, a million pounds are  there , left by Fat Janet but created by the forger Thin Betty, who are actually Tiberius and FJ Thomas, two male criminals in knitted jumpers, hairnets, Elastoplast-framed glasses, ball gown, dangly earrings and furcoats. Yes, it's a heist thing.

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